the questionnaire to my heart

this is inspired by nancy's version of jeopardy and nanni, my partner in crime.

It could be worse, you could be me. I think this thought crosses a mind at least once in a while. Admitting to the overwhelming place, when you say can I get out of this? To yourself, in a serious tone. No one can hear but you. You can hear it. For it’s like a scream from someone running away from a mugger or a newborn who can’t be comforted. It’s pretty uncomfortable. So what do you do with this? What do you do this feeling? I laugh. Humor has been my solitude as long as I can remember. If you laugh about something it hurts less, it just does.

So at the bar I’m sitting with my friend and we are going over a questionnaire we could give men before they date us. If you have issues with alcohol, cocaine, keeping your dick in your pants, keeping a job, spitting inappropriately, or in a band- please check yes and return the questionnaire. Good luck with your life.

We laugh and keep on going. How about this- when I say I might touch you with hands that might have touched something sticky like a pastry or champagne or chocolate- what do you think? We keep on coming up with scenarios of our own lives, our own love lives to somehow not repeat our mistakes. So how about this- how often do you brush your teeth? A) Daily. B) When I feel like. C) What’s a toothbrush?

When I say that members of my family might be accident prone, a little crazy, please give me 4 words that come into your head. How long has it been since your last relationship? If it is within 3 months, thanks for your time, but your work here is done. Was your last girlfriend more than 5 years younger than you? Do you think making fireworks is a good hobby choice? If I told you I have stabbed someone, would you be worried? A) If it was on purpose. B) It’s okay if was your brother. C) Let’s not do steak dinners for awhile. Big, fake tits....your feelings. Do you think it is appropriate to discuss important issues liking us breaking up or you getting married to your new girlfriend via any networking site- myspace, facebook, or linked in even gmail for that matter?

It keeps going and going and we are laughing and laughing. And my friend turns to me and says thank God I have you, because at least there is someone else out there like me, so I don’t feel alone. Not feeling alone. Not feeling like the worst is being you. That’s the whole point- so if this exercise or any other like it might seem self-deprecating, or relaying on my defense mechanisms, or it might be hurtful to me. I don’t really care. Because when I laugh, I let go, I connect with someone else over the pain and the disappointment of it all. And if laughing makes me feel lighter, makes it feel better to be me than not than who really cares. It could be worse, you could be me.

The train flew by and all I could think was how beautiful it is right now. I’m not laughing, but by laughing I am surviving. Surviving this moment. This day. Survive so that I can truly live. Live free from the thoughts that it is terrible to be me. Laughing allows for me not to despair in the bad timing, or layoffs, or breakups, or late fees, or running late, or that parking ticket, or tripping over nothing on the street, or of slipping and falling. It keeps from my heart breaking into two. Making fun of yourself is the best way to keep from falling over.