Going away is now left to mini vacations of separation and buffer. Buffer from what is. What just happened and what will be next. I am beginning to learn how to go away in my mind and in my body without departing in a vehicle or airplane or a magic carpet of childhood dreams lost. I am in the midst of a new life of meetings and intensity and crying and listening and helping and listening and asking and it would seem I would have 5 minutes to process before my next thing.
Before, before when I tried to be the helper in the schools last time as a teacher I just rushed through. Hard and fast. And thought vacations were only left to proper vacations. But this time. Time had passed. Things have changed. And the air mask must be first be put on to help the others breathe. So much so I have to go away after the intensity of a mother crying real tears over the injustice of what is. A teacher tears up. And I see the intensity opening and expanding in this classroom. Classroom. And then it is over and we say our goodbyes and I have 7 and ½ minutes to get to my next thing-no processing time.
So I go away. I breathe deeply as I walk slowly to down the hall at lunch time. Kids bubbly with energy for it is lunchtime-bumping and running and sporadically moving down the hall to freedom. For them. I walk slowly to the bathroom. And I sit there. And hunch over and go away. I need to go away for what just happened to be present for what will be next. I need to go away so it will not be mine. My own beach and cocktail and repetition of waves I found within myself. Within this public school bathroom. Luckily an adult one.
Going away. The boundary and buffer and space to be able to be be connected but then move on to the next thing. And be okay. So for that I am working. Working to do my job now mostly of observing but while observing you see so much, sometimes too much and then. Then you most either run to the next thing. Or slowly walk. Walk and breathe. And have a vacation of the mind.
I thought these things lived outside of myself. Myself. But they live inside of me. Me. So when I have the extra time. The day before I had to pick up the borrowed kids. I sit. I sit in the sun. At one of my favorite cafes. And just go away. No computer. No book. Just a coffee and sun. And I might befriend a table of former band dudes next to my table. For a few moments. Going away. I love getting away. But sometimes the only vacation in my grasps is the one inside of me. Inside of me that allows me to go away. Go away while standing in the same spot.
Before, before when I tried to be the helper in the schools last time as a teacher I just rushed through. Hard and fast. And thought vacations were only left to proper vacations. But this time. Time had passed. Things have changed. And the air mask must be first be put on to help the others breathe. So much so I have to go away after the intensity of a mother crying real tears over the injustice of what is. A teacher tears up. And I see the intensity opening and expanding in this classroom. Classroom. And then it is over and we say our goodbyes and I have 7 and ½ minutes to get to my next thing-no processing time.
So I go away. I breathe deeply as I walk slowly to down the hall at lunch time. Kids bubbly with energy for it is lunchtime-bumping and running and sporadically moving down the hall to freedom. For them. I walk slowly to the bathroom. And I sit there. And hunch over and go away. I need to go away for what just happened to be present for what will be next. I need to go away so it will not be mine. My own beach and cocktail and repetition of waves I found within myself. Within this public school bathroom. Luckily an adult one.
Going away. The boundary and buffer and space to be able to be be connected but then move on to the next thing. And be okay. So for that I am working. Working to do my job now mostly of observing but while observing you see so much, sometimes too much and then. Then you most either run to the next thing. Or slowly walk. Walk and breathe. And have a vacation of the mind.
I thought these things lived outside of myself. Myself. But they live inside of me. Me. So when I have the extra time. The day before I had to pick up the borrowed kids. I sit. I sit in the sun. At one of my favorite cafes. And just go away. No computer. No book. Just a coffee and sun. And I might befriend a table of former band dudes next to my table. For a few moments. Going away. I love getting away. But sometimes the only vacation in my grasps is the one inside of me. Inside of me that allows me to go away. Go away while standing in the same spot.
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