suddenly, goodbye.

 

Suddenly, goodbye

The last time i saw him, T, we had a dinner of grilled cheese and fried chicken. He was hesitant based on our choice since it was not healthy. I pushed him to do it. For cocktails, a harvest Manhattan for him. For me, a two sisters. Followed by another beer each. My other good friend joined us, making three, and there was such happiness of watching my two special people connect. A sparkler light of holidays past in adulthood lived in the present.

I remembered I cried. Tears of disappointment over a relationship done. He wiped the tears away with his words. Like he always did. He talked of his pending trip and not really wanting to go. I wish he hadn't. Ever left. It's going to be too hot, he had said, not like his wonderful trip with his boyfriend. He tried to leave multiple times, but the sway and spark of conversation kept us all there. I remember hugging and kissing him and saying I love you. I'm so very glad I did. Two sisters bars and books. Within, the valley of the Hayes. The only and last time I have been a patron. That would be the last time I ever saw my dear friend. Our last dinner. I can't walk back in the green skin of its wooden bones, that door, and haven't been able to. I wish I would have known he was going to leave us forever. But, I know I would have never let him go. Holding that embrace. Forever. Suddenly, goodbye.

Suddenly, goodbye would strike again almost a year later. The last time I saw him we shared a heritage pork sandwich from Bi-rite made by my student with labor and love and a Justin's dark chocolate peanut bar cups each taking a cup. We laid in my hammock in my backyard and he held me and talked of life as the sun slowly sauntered away. Later, he would walk me to the corner store for a purchase of gum- we split the pack-and paper towels for my home. We held hands and told him it was nice to have someone walk with me in my neighborhood. At 10 pm. As we said goodbye with a hug and kiss. I saw him as he walked backwards off my stoop and out of my life. That would be the last time I would see him. Suddenly, goodbye. Yet there is not one thing I would change or say or I wouldn't hold on to him tight and I have never stopped laying on the hammock and eating that sandwich and one of my favorite chocolates shared in our last moments. Suddenly, goodbye.

See suddenly goodbyes sting anyone. Anyone at all. But for me they have always touched a place deep inside- the place of a person who was never supposed to leave me- my mother. Touches that spot of childhood and hope and hurt and loss. Suddenly goodbyes used to always mean the reliving of her leaving. In the most painful way of stomach aches and sleepless nights and unbearable anxiety. But this time.

As I read the reading of love at my brother’s wedding day, "So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self." And toasting their nuptials with the champagne in one hand and smiling through the airbrushed makeup and photographers photos of the paparazzi style and happiness of seeing my 3 sides of the family all together in one place. The first time ever.

Sitting in my email inbox was an email from him reading:

Date: July 10, 2014 at 12:33:42 AM PDT

Subject: Re: hey!

Kate,

Thank you for your email.

To answer your query, I am not at all interested in pursuing this any further.

Effective immediately, I am hereby directing you to desist from any form of contact with me.

Goodbye. I wish you nothing but the best.

Sincerely,

Sent from my iPhone

First, I checked my eyes. Maybe they weren't working. I was in shock. From a man who communicates. Excuse me, communicated. From a man who spends his days counseling others --young people and pushing others to express themselves --their feelings and to do the right thing. (Feel free to close your agape mouth right about now). From a man who longs to be a therapist one day. Or would like to run a school. And has an empowerment blog. (Insert your laughter here). From a man who shares common friends and works in a close knit field in a city too small to not run into someone. I was in shock. Feelings hurt. Surprised. It felt so very unkind. And not the way to communicate with a woman you had dated, a woman you had befriended. And also like maybe a poorly written cease and deist letter. Google that shit next time. Or a computer generated email. I guess at the very least it wasn't written on a post it. Never in 20 plus years of dating has this ever happened. It made me grateful for those who showed up and said the words. Real respect actually present. Ability to be present and care and show up. Grateful. For them.

Suddenly goodbyes happen in the most unexpected time. They always do. You can never prepare. And some people you can't let go of and you eulogize those last moments and places and dream of one more day, one more moment like my dear friend, T who left this earth too early.

Others. You let them walk slash run away and don't even begin a trot after them. And you wouldn't change a thing. Like you happened to give him Hornby's "How to be good" and Diaz's "This is how you lose her"- books borrowed. Lost. Now. Foreshadowing my future of a movie ending.

Suddenly, goodbye. The difference is now I realize the resolution will never be found in another. In another's words. I used to think that was the only way. But inside yourself. Inside of me. Is the only way to find it. And yes, a proper respectful goodbye from someone who knows better and is literally trained how to say goodbye would have been at the very least nice.

Suddenly, goodbye. They are all not the same. They used to be. But. Not. Anymore.

And even in the midst of suddenly goodbyes things always happen. T taught me to pull over for that view always. And say what you mean every time and his vigor for life and him leaving made me really enjoy the moment. And cherish the people in my life. And his people are now my people. Bonded in the loss and memory of him. The most simple things remind you. Really look at the view. And be hopeful. Always. And that it will all be okay.

So when I caught that bouquet at my brother’s wedding, I did not throw it to the ground in despair. Because good luck and new beginnings will be mine again. They already are. And as the wedding reading concludes- "Love always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end."

Suddenly goodbyes are hellos before we know it.