confessions of a hoarder in training

hello my friends-thanks for reading. i am shooting for two posts a week now that i am grad school (again) plus other fun stuff i am signed up for so it's the best i can do. but am i writing and will keep doing so. please keep reading- i will try my best to keep it interesting. all my thanks always!


What I found under my bed during my move does warrant a visit from the TLC hoarders show. I have a few friends who observed the aftermath and they might be talking to the producers as we speak. I might be in training or so I think since you could still walk in the room without a mask or a gps but a mix of intervention and hoarders might do me some good.

I used to hide things under my bed when I was younger, homemade lunches I didn’t want to eat, treasures I found in my adventures through the neighborhood, myself during times of hide and seek. Now it would seem underneath my bed has taken on a life of its own and I don’t have the faintest how everything got down there. Sometimes baggage is behind us, sometimes it is just underneath us.
Disclaimer- if you already love me I’m sure you will be okay with this laundry list of imperfection. If you think you might like to- love me or date me or like me this might be a show stopper. But here it is. I am human.

After 1.5 years living in my house I found the following under my bed (make sure you have time this list is embarrassingly long):

6 water bottles varying in side, 3 cups- 2 glass, 1 plastic, tons of feathers from a un-cooperative down comforter- no time outs worked on this one, a pair of slippers (covered in those fucking feathers), 5 socks all mismatched, tampons (ob)all unused., condom wrapper (no contents- it was used but I don’t know when or with who but I have some guesses), 2 books (sederis and chabon), 2 magazines and newspapers- natural health and the guardian, one tupperware, one rice bag (for the sore muscles made for Christmas), one syllabus for a photo journalism class I dropped, vicks vapor rub( from my bout with bronchitis and heartache and applying for grad school, again), 2 business cards for a hair stylist and a chiropractor, change (some unlucky, some not), bobby pins, a package of birth control with just the last row left, pens: 5, candy wrappers: 3, 2 from england one from these states (kashi healthy bar or something like it to make you feel better and then the good stuff two cadburys- european chocolate is the best), receipts, 4 lotions all half full, homeopathic medicine wrappers (the stuff I give to peps to feel better- I am dealer of the natural shit), a bank receipt (don’t read- you might get scared), unknown items: a pill that is undetermined, a pumpkin seed maybe and a ice like looking glass thing smallish, a piece of mail, a parking voucher from downtown where I have therapy when I am too lazy to ride my bike, another plastic cup, one earring (no match), a bottle cap, boa feathers, more feathers, a cranberry pill for my bladder, brown paper bag, lighter, tag from clothes (crossroads), makeup sponges, small brown box, and finally with much ado hand sanitizer, the natural and lavender flavor.

Currently what is under my bed: nothing. But I have only been here in my new place for 2 and half weeks. Give me time. I wouldn’t want those camera crews to have nothing to film once they get here.