i am hungry

Appetite. The first thing I thought was I am not hungry. I just want to have sex. I am sitting in a coffeeshop surrounded by other worker bees on their computers, click clack, click clack. But my fellow worker bees are leaving little to the imagination with the average age of 60 and more salt and pepper than not. I need to start working at another coffeeshop asap. And all I can think about is getting laid. I am smiling now because this is funny to me. Not that I am feeling it but I am writing it and someone else might be reading this. Reading this. Like now. But I keep going. Keep going.

My sexual appetite comes in waves- but once I hit a week or two-week mark when I have been used to the regular. Regular rendezvous. Then I get the itch. Then I am hungry. But it always surprises me because I can hold out. I have held out. I didn’t have sex until I was in my early twenties. There have been times in my life where I have held out for months, months 6 or more. Not because of lack of opportunities but because because I didn’t want to deal, deal with the casual, causality of the casual. So I hold out, have held out for something that mattered more. I sometimes I wonder that the desire is strengthened with the regularity of it. You get used to it like the cup of coffee or the beer after work. It becomes habit. A release. A release unlike the yoga or the acupuncture or just talking with a friend. It’ just different. I wonder if my appetite might be to do to fasting for so long. So long. I abstained from sex, the true act of it, for many years, many years. Maybe the appetite is based on suppression that since I held out for long then and have in recent years that I deserve it when I want it.

So last night when N read his story, story aloud, about not having a condom on a camping trip, I remembered more than once when I wished I would have had a condom, or if he would have had a condom. And usually that was when my appetite had grew too intense after 6 plus month hiatus or it was with someone, someone in which the tension, sexual and other wise, had been building, been building, more and more over years, years, years. So when this happens, happened. There is the moment of the look, the desire, the going for it, then the breaking, the pausing, the oh shit. What to do? A run to a store, a ransack of the house, a creative option. It’s hard when it’s right there, the buffet, but there will be no eating, the appetite too great to abstain. But born again you have become. So you vow, vow each time, that you might plan ahead. You buy condoms for you are a modern woman, but to carry them on your person, carry them on your person, just in emergencies, just in case, just in case I get too hungry. Can I do it? For a while after a unsuccesful search at a hotel at a wedding for a condom, I thought about it, and did it. The condoms were there. But I never used them. By putting them there, in my purse, maybe it stopped the possibility for me to go out and eat. Eat again. Because I am hungry.