the rain of it all

That was the time I wanted companionship more than anything. More than being seen as good. Or well behaved or sane. As I laid there on my bed with the pillow behind my head talking on the phone. It was too late. I shouldn’t have answered the call. I find myself getting out of bed, not even bothering to put on proper clothes, shoes on with my pajamas of leggings, t-shirt, my glasses I place upon my face. I walk outside to an empty street.

The drizzle has became a constant stream of water. I feel myself walk towards my car and beep it once and twice. I am sitting in the drivers seat and the reflection along the street from the rain and the lights is shone into my eyes. I am breaking my own rules. It is as if I am watching from above. Like I have no choice in the matter. Like rational reasoning self-talk doesn’t matter but the instinctual biological need to be held does. To be held by someone who loves or loved you for that matter. The drive I feel present yet distanced from myself. My heart races a bit but not too much.

I am walking now. Towards the door. The big red door taller than most as the rain falls on my head. My body. The puddles underneath my feet. The door opens and there he stands. Waiting for me in the rain. The rain of it all. No words exchanged because we already know. We have always known. I don’t care if it is wrong. Because it feels right.

The comfort of his arms around me as I sleep or try to. I look at him as he sleeps. He looks happier more at ease. I wish I could box that and keep it. My hand on his chest. I feel his heart beat and move my hand like the ocean tides in and out in and out in and out. His pulse throbs in his throat I watch it transfixed it is as if I have never seen a pulse before. I can’t sleep. The thought of companionship. Real companionship without the disappointment is what I want more than anything.