hey hot stuff- what's in your u-haul?

Pairing up. The pairing up it is so easy. It has been, hasn’t it? But the staying paired up is the hard part. The beginning stages of the laughter around the room of childhood, my friend likes you, he thinks your cute has became mini-crushes of adulthood, some more serious then others. Sometimes in the room of a party and the whispered hushes of he is cute. Or she is. And the pairing up. The pairing up it is easy in the beginning or at least it should be. Because if it isn’t easy in the beginning it never will be. Never will it be.

The pairing up. Once I decide that I have chosen my partner and the dance of attraction, lust, begins into limboing into my heart my head. The beginning part of pairing up how much I truly love it. How much I might love it more than the love itself. Because the pairing up and staying. Staying put is hard.

In the pairing up- intensity happens and conversations about where we are each other separately, together are going. When I pair up- I nod my head and listen with my eyes but I don’t listen. Don’t listen. Because they always tell you where they are and what they can give. But in the pairing up I think it will be different. Different. When he told me- don’t ask where this is going, going I just want to have fun but I didn’t think I’d feel this way. I can’t commit. Or when another said, Kate I can’t do this but want to to. Or when the second to last time, he told me to be patient that he was emotional mess but just needed time. If he was somewhere else I would be his girlfriend. Girlfriend. Grayness into blackness of the defining us. I never listened, not really. The truth was there and I didn’t have to take the turn around the dance floor with them sometimes a few sometimes more to figure it out. Listening. Dancing. Spinning.

So this time, this time around when he told me he was damaged and sorry that he was. I decided that although pairing up is so fun and so much worth living. That I might just want to listen when someone told. Told me they were damaged. Because they were telling the truth. The truth. They usually do. But we don’t listen. I never listen because I believe it will be different that what we carry in our u-haul won’t stop the potential of a lust/love affair. But it will. It will.

We will go along pairing up until we hit, hit that spot of again of the damage. But I told you Kate he would say. But I didn’t want to listen. Because the truth is we all are damaged, we are. We are have a u-haul behind us in tow. We do. Some a mini trailer, some just a van, some the smallest truck and the others that take up half the block. It’s not the u-haul and it’s existence that kills the pairing up. It’s knowing what is inside and who is driving. It’s knowing how to pack some of the contents out and put them in storage or give them away entirely. To feel lightness. To let go.

I drive my u-haul. I know what is inside. Believing that it will work. Work out is inside. It’s inside. But listening to the want for that can’t diminish the damage and the truth someone will say to you. If you will listen. Listen. This time I listened.