my grandmother still tucks me when she visits me in my dreams

The place where she felt the most comfortable was in a bed. A small twin bed next to another in a room where the cars say a quick hello and goodbye as they travel up and down the street. The comforter was dated probably from the 70's near the time of her birth and there was a starchy feel to it. But underneath-no underneath-there were sheets and blankets touched by fabric softener. The softness of a night light illuminated the room even when she reached adulthood. You need to be able to find the bathroom, her grandmother told her. 


 But the best part of this room, this room away from home was what would happen before she would sleep into the morn. You see she would be tucked in by her grandmother- even when its expiration date of adulthood- had occurred. The talking and the love of warmth of someone tucking you in. I was able to have that gift into my mid 20s. My grandmother, my mother figure since my early days of elementary school, she tucked me in . And never did I feel so loved. Never did I feel so comfortable. I learned from her how to love and care and have strength in caring for someone. You could be both motherly and feminine and have strength to stand up for yourself and others. Her fire became mine. Her height mine as well.

I had forgotten about the feel of her hands against the side of my body pushing the blankets perfectly to hold my body into comfort, into love, until I dreamt of it. The other night, I was again in that guest room, my borrowed room, and there she was tucking me in. I felt the warmth of her as I opened my eyes to daylight and felt her touch my side as the dream fading and I felt as if she was still there, comforting me. Fear started and then relief. Don't be scared. I told myself. For those who have loved us and left us not because they wanted to but because they had to-sometimes come back. Come back. In memories. And in dreams.

And I can't help but think that my most comforting moments of my life were delivered to me again by the woman I love and miss so much. A sign. A message. And comfort that can still extend through time. And distance. And death. Her comfort, her love, her example of strength and care lives and breathes inside of me. The dream is just a reminder of the comfort that lives on beyond the confines of life and death. I can't help but think she visited me to remind me, remind me before my birthday, that I am still comforted by her and she, she stills lives inside of me-in memories and in traits and in sayings. As I look down at my fingers and look at her mother's ring with one stone for each one of her children- my uncle, my aunt, my aunt, my father-and the the cladding ring, I can't help but think she is with me now. She gave me gifts and now she is watching to see what I will do with them.