learning the limits of the warmth of a hand

thanks for stopping by- and we are fast approaching a year that i have been doing this writing and sharing craziness. stay tuned for some best of to celebrate. . . all my thanks always.

Limitless. He longs for a limitless existence. Where he can go where he wishes and do what he wants. He brings in those close and then pushes them away. In silence. In deciding when this conversation is over. He keeps the smile and laughter as he pours drinks for you and the others. One of his choice of numbness.

He will not tell you his story. For people usually do. He started to talk of the past- even though it was one of the first things he began to tell you. But then he tied it neatly up in the box of him. And pushed it down the stairs to ship again to the coldness that was left behind.

He plays in the rules that keep him safe but pushes the lines that make scare you. Rules about eating and cleaning and being. But finding every way to not feel. Feel. Socially acceptable or not.

He looks at you and says he is a hard nut to crack but he will warm up. The chillness of him doesn't seem like one a coat can protect. Coldness to me is like walking away. Although comfortable. Although reminding me of what was. Was before. I want something different now. I do.

But how can I see this man. Next to me. And this bar. In this bed. In this moment. Words of warmth spoken fueled in twilight and alcohol beverages and mutual attraction and the longing of companionship. He reminds me of someone. But. As I blend these two men into one. Into one story. Into me. For he just told me where he was going and when he'd be back. I can't help but think. That my mistake last time was beyond the temporary. Was not surveying the scene and taking it in. Ignoring and the queen of seeing what I wanted to resulted in my heart on the ground and me begging for someone to put it back where it belonged.

But this time. As I sit next to this man on my respective bar stool. I know. Now. What I see. And in seeing. It is different. And the barrier I build around my heart needed. For not everyone you spend time is a soulmate. His hand touches my leg. Squeezing it in familiarity too early. I reach my hand into his and squeeze back. We don't let go. I feel the hotness of his skin under mine. For this moment. Side by side.