this week has been light because i am going on my 3rd and i think last getaway for the month and the summer. i am blogging from the oh my god i can't believe my view, i think i just pissed my pants of excitement in a beyond wonderful home in the tahoe keys. i have fallen in love with bloody mary's and seeing the lake upon me waking up.
here is my psa announcement to people who give love advice to strangers unsolicited. it was fourth of july and i was pissed. now i am not but the sentiment still lives on. it was written from the prompt i am love. have a great weekend and all my thanks for sharing in my trials and tribulations through this thing we call life. okay back to the beach. . .
I am love. I am love. Love to me to you is not entirely the same. I wish I could have said more elegantly piss off to the fat lady at the bbq. She conveniently over tanned with permanent lipstick too bright. See I want love like any lady or man and I have beat myself up in the game of why don’t relationships work for me in the long term. I have analyzed, I have therpaized, I have tried to make sense of it all. So when the fat lady at the bbq says why can’t you find someone? Well she yells across the bbq without even introducing herself interrupting a conversation. I wish I would have told her. Her some dieting advice. Because my “weakness” is being a spinster or a singleton but I don’t go around giving diet advice to fat people. No I let them be fat. Because let’s face it, it really is none of my business.
Do I tramp around the pool shaking my muscular ass and yoga-toned body and say I can eat whatever I like? No. Because I am love. I desire love like everyone but. But to be told. Why can’t you find someone? Do you try? Have you tried online dating or eharmony? Do you even want to get married? The spitfire of judgment- she doesn’t care about my answers. I just don’t fit into her world of perfectly matched couples. Throw my glass into her pool.
She stands now up from her perch. She has on sunglasses and white terry visor with a rather large terry cover-up to boot. She stands up and walks closer. Her boobs take up more real estate than her legs. One boob probably weighs as much as my calf and knee. She walks closer to tell me. You know the older you get it is harder to find someone. Coming closer with her cautionary tale of the fear of aloneness, a woman alone. Oh dear. Oh my. The travesty. Closer almost a whisper. Do you know once you are over thirty it goes does down and the chances are less and less?
I stare at this woman who didn’t bother to introduce herself in all her knowledge of 60 years spewing on a stranger. Next please I want to say. Instead- do you really want to tell me this statistics? Well I don’t know how old you are. I nabbed my husband at 19 and we got married before college was through. See this lady doesn’t know shit about finding love in the real world. Beyond the age of 19. There are some statistics I could slam her way like how lucky she made it- given that most marriages that start that young don’t anymore. I would have told her the higher the age of the first marriage, the more chance you might make it. I would have thrown in some stats on obesity and fat around the middle too.
I am love. I do want love. I was a leper for this lady. No success for me because I don’t have love, not in her eyes. But I do. I have. A stranger. A stranger spewing advice but hit at the core of my insecurity. Because I do want a partner and husband one day. I do want love. A love that lasts longer than I have. I do want children. And my fear is time might be running out for me. I know it’s irrational. But I have enough yells and screams in my own head about making the right choices in the love department I just don’t need to hear it from a judgmental bitch that hasn’t lived. My life. See it would have been like me giving her dieting advice unsolicited. It doesn’t matter what I have done, or did, or what I have accomplished I am zero without a man, a family. I want those things. One day. But a lifetime is a long time and I want to not settle for something just to have something. I would have done anything for a set of balls and a penis to avoid this abuse.
I am love. I do want love. But for now I a free agent. Trying on shoes before buying sometimes taking them out for a spin. I am love. I will find love. Love that will be more. More than this. More than that. With a man who would never speak to me in a condescending tone in front of strangers or alone or in silence. Contempt he will not have for me. So this is my psa keep your advice to yourself unless you are ready to hear some truth unloaded about your fat ass. I mean you do try don’t you to lose weight? I mean you do want to lose weight don’t you?
No comments:
Post a Comment