ghost of boyfriend past

hello all-

thanks for stopping by as always and hope you are and have been enjoying this sun that we have had shining on us regularly. written from the prompt stillness after a ghost of boyfriend past sighting at yoga. enjoy.

Stillness. I found myself in stillness as I found my place on the last steps to this new yoga studio. For the man who had visited me in my dream last night someone who I hadn't seen in months and haven't heard from either- stood to the right of me. As I look right, I see the shape of a head looking down that could only be his. Tightly shaved and looking down upon a device. And then his stance opened up ever so slightly with the flip flops I would recognize anywhere. Stillness found me as I spoke to register for the class and my last name fashioned more audibly than needed out loud so he could turn around to see me. But Bueler rolled off my lips and no turning of his head. He does yoga now? The inner dialogue begins to quicken. But stillness of should I move to him. Stillness of what to do next. Stillness I want to feel in yoga class is now my heart pounding in and out and in stillness of uncertainty.

I walk slowly. Purposefully. And walk gently past the man. To see his profile, to see him and ready for what might be next. And as I walk he turns his head to mine and my strong eyes he felt and the familiarity of his head and his shape and his dress are just that-they are not him and the things I thought were his but belong to a different man. As soon as he turns to me-both relief and a twinge of disappointment fall out of me. For as much as I don't like the uncomfortable especially in my yoga time there is a piece of me that would like to see him. Again. In a yoga class at that. And just see him. For a few minutes and feel his warm and kind eyes upon me and this time hope that all is more calm for him. And that the rapid pace of our love affair and his life that reflected that would feel different.

As relief pours out of me more than the disappointment. Stillness becomes me again as I sit down on my mat and remain still. Breathing in and out even though the edge of anticipation is still moving through the rivers of my body to my heart. This heart where it all has lived. Always. I become more still in being here. In this class. And as I move through the breathing and legs up and down, I can't help but notice this man, the man who I thought was someone else, a person away from me on his mat. As I lean into my poses on my right side of my warrior, I study the back side of this man. While breathing of course. In and out. His build- wide and coming down- his muscles toned but not daunting are the same. The dusting of leg hair and arm hair and the hands-the hands-I used to hold , held onto too long are the same too.

I used to study the man, the man I had a relationship with until I knew him in ways we didn't anticipate. And here in yoga stands a man from behind that looks exactly like him. A reminder of what was is breathing and in stillness lives with me. Right now besides me on a yoga mat. Before in a bed where we laid together. But he no longer resides once where he did in this heart. In and out breathing until I am looking down. To the next pose. The reminder of what was lives inside of us and sometimes in stillness we see someone who used to mean so much and now we can see from afar and in the reminder and in the stillness, we breath and move and know that it is time and has been to look forward. In stillness, I do as I push down my hands to the earth.