The unexpected. The unexpected sometimes happens. You plan for something and end up somewhere else. And there you are requested the pull down to stop the train. Next stop please you find yourself yelling down the crowded car of strangers. The destination is not where you want to go. You need to get off and fast. But the distance between the stops grow. And the triage becomes faster and faster in your brain.
I found myself in the unexpected recently. I found myself on a way to a music video shot. A music video shot for a white rapper group. I am pausing to let that one soak in. How does someone end up on the way to such a place? Someone who by day counsels kids and helps raise kids by night be going to music video shots. Good question. The quick answer is alcohol and maybe hanging out with someone who pushes the limits of who you should spend time with. Some people need to stay in the dark of the night and never should transfer over to the day. It might have consequences. Like this.
The long answer is I started the day off hoping for some day drinking, eating, followed by some sex. And then meeting up with my friends for another beer night event. I felt my expectations were low. Little did I know I should have dreamt bigger. So as I pick up the gentlemen for the afternoon. I had never seen him in daylight except in the light of the day in the morning. As I pull over and wait. He comes into the car and kisses me on my lips. Alcohol breaths into my clean mouth. Its 3 in the afternoon and he still stinks from the night before. Nice. He is cloaked in clothes from the night before but he doesn't want to change. Just want to keep going. To the next place to start again. I was thinking late brunch and then back to one of our places. He was thinking of relieving his hangover and another bender. This might be why talking might be good.
As we travel in my car from my home into an unknown territory. I realize there might be a problem when sober conversation makes me want to drink immediately. The rain beats against the car when two people relative strangers talk about life and leaving and roaming and illegitimate children and things he admitted when drunk and not having feelings. The windshield wipers clean so I can see but the wetness comes again and blurry vision is all I have. But then the translucent eye to the world and I can see again. Again and again. See he says I am numb to everything. I don't have feelings. This type of dialogue means one thing he has more feelings than he would like to admit. But instead of pushing it. And pulling it out of him. To make this arrangement anything but what it is. I think that is interesting you would be attracted to someone like me who has more feelings than I know what to deal with.
See I can say it was unexpected that I almost ended a back up dancer in a rap video. But it wasn't. Not with this man. Too much alcohol fueled me to be in a place with someone I probably shouldn't. Not for a night. Not at all. As I sit on the bar stool hearing of the plans of the next stop. I wonder what the fuck I am doing. And how did I get here. But I thought the same thing as we drove here sober.
Loneliness is a strange hunter. It is hard to follow the rules all the time. Its hard not to find yourself in these place at night. By day being someone else. But although funny. My time is not. And I excuse myself. From the club. The club in the middle of a bad neighborhood. And watch the two self proclaimed southern gentlemen- him and his friend- who open doors and pay tabs watch me leave by myself no offer of walking me outside or hailing a cab. As the rain pours down on me. I have never felt happier to be alone. The cab waits for me right out the entrance. I open the door and go home. And watch the windshields as the rain washes over us again.
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